Magnetic Field - Volume V

MAGNETIC FIELD – VOLUME V
By John Ross Harvey

We’re buying a lot of gas these days,
Our bank accounts are feeling it
The banks seem to accept we’re all broke
But the Gas stations simply don’t care
They install the convenient machines at the pump
So you can Interac or use a Credit Card
But the annoying ones
I’m talking about ESSO
Have this stupid button for Speedpass
Something else to waste your money on
Except it’s right next to the keypad
You need to hide your code on
And because I have a Magnetic Hand
I cannot operate these machines
Without it claiming I cannot enter my Speedpass
At this time
Well, I’m not, I don’t have one
I’m covering the keypad with my left hand
The magnetic hand
Which their Speedpass button thinks
Is a real Speedpass.
Do me a favour, rip the machines out
I have to yell at the cashier because the
Lousy pump machine won’t work
Because my hand registers as a Speedpass.
Life is tough with powers

Mobile Snowbanks

MOBILE SNOWBANKS
By John Ross Harvey

Yet another lovely winter storm today.
Yet more increase in the population of the
Three Forces Of Evil
Mobile Snowbanks et al.
What most of these brainless individuals
Do not realize
Is that by Heating up their vehicle
That is covered with a mountaintop of snow
They are too lazy to remove
Is that in doing so, it creates a layer of water
Which most smart people know
Flows rather quickly
So these losers, of which I’ve seen
More today than digits on my hand and feet
Lose their load of un-cleared roof snow
Directly into their windshield
AS THEY ARE DRIVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not only did it happen,
The completely Impaired idiots
KEPT ON GOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How anyone with any brain cells
Can think this is a safe practice
Is beyond human comprehension
Nobody with a brain is that STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So if you are one of these losers
WHERE IS YOUR BRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Common Sense

COMMON SENSE
By John Ross Harvey

One would think that common sense
Would suggest certain things to people
Like how snow is not as see-through as glass for instance
Or that lights work when it’s not sunny outside
Or that brakes prevent you from hitting things
Or that signals indicate to others just what the hell you’re up to
And that left and right are not interchangeable directions
They are very much indeed the opposite of each other
Yet another minor snowfall occurs and all of the above
Goes out the window.
People without common sense continue to prove their stupidity
Driving snow covered vehicles they can’t see out of
Without lights on while its overcast and raining or snowing
Don’t bother to indicate direction changes, never mind do them properly
And always clog up an intersection to leave me without a doubt
Of their absolute stupidity.
90% of them are driving GREY CARS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blending into the landscape of grey roads under grey skies.

BMW X-DRIVE

BMW X-DRIVE
By John Ross Harvey



You must’ve heard the commercials,
The big snowstorm,
The family to pick up,
Don’t worry; you have a BMW,
With X-Drive all wheel drive.
One small problem,
How many BMW owners do you know,
That can actually drive?
The majority of BMW motorists I’ve seen
Cannot drive at all
This commercial just told these people
That they are invincible
Big mistake!
The statistics after Christmas of
BMW accidents should be huge
Thanks to poor advertising.
Never tell someone that can’t drive
That their vehicle can drive for them.

CHRISTMAS

CHRISTMAS
By John Ross Harvey

Christmas is a time for giving
And receiving
And Eating
And Drinking
And taking Advil when the Bills come in
And Boxing Day Sales
Are two days late
Merry Christmas

CHRISTMAS EVE

CHRISTMAS EVE
By John Ross Harvey

Christmas and New Year’s Day
Have Eves
The day before is now an Evening
Well not really
But what you do on that day
Will happen in the evening
On Christmas Eve
You will finish shopping while
The stores close
In the Evening
You will wrap gifts
In the Evening
You will assume the role of
Santa Claus for your kids
In the Evening
You will then fall asleep
In the Evening
Whether you had anything to drink
Or not
In the Evening

P.C. INSANITY - REPRISE

POLITICALLY CORRECT INSANITY
By John Ross Harvey

Bald= Folliclely Challenged
Why not Skin Surplused?
Short= Vertically Challenged
How about Less Tall?
Santa Claus=Holiday Figure
Why not Santa Claus?
Winter-een-mas= Winter between Hallowe’en and Christmas
What a stupid word
Vegetarian= Protein Challenged
Carnivore= Vegetable Challenged
Coffee Drinker= Caffeine Enhanced
Tea Drinker= Tannin Enhanced
Pop Drinker= Carbonation Enhanced
Energy Drinker= Machine Challenged
IT = Technologically Enhanced
IT client= Technologically Challenged
Milk Drinker= Calcium Enhanced
Bread Eater= Gluten Enhanced
Low-Carb Dieter= Carbohydrate Challenged
Politician= Lie Enhanced
Voter= Tax Challenged
Mechanic= Cash Enhanced
Supermodel= Weight and Clothing Challenged
Actor= Paparazzi Challenged
Singer= Vocally Enhanced
Musician= Instrumentally Enhanced
That could cover many things
Cheetah= Speed Enhanced Feline
Lion= Energy Challenged Feline
Tiger= Colour Enhanced Feline
Wolf= Predatorily Enhanced Canine
Hawk= Glide Enhanced Avian
Hummingbird= Wing Speed Enhanced Avian
Rose= Thorn Enhanced Vegetation
Vines= Vertically Capable Vegetation
Readers= Thought Enhanced Winners
Complainers= Brain Deprived Losers
Humourists= Comedy Enhanced
Internet Scammers= Nigerian Dictators

Three Forces Of Evil the day after Snowstorm of Dec.16 2007

Mobile Snowbank
http://img89.imageshack.us/img89/4108/mobilesnowbankis7.jpg

Defroster Dunce
http://img89.imageshack.us/img89/1762/defrosterdunceue1.jpg


Wipers Only Brigade
http://img89.imageshack.us/img89/8013/wipersonlybrigadedt1.jpg

Ode to Larry The Cable Guy: Words of Wisdom

ODE TO LARRY THE CABLE GUY
WORDS OF WISDOM
By John Ross Harvey

Read Slowly

1. A day without sunshine is not too bright.

2. On the other foot, you have different toes.

3. 57.3 percent of all statistics aren’t made up on the spot. (I said, 'Read slowly'

4. 1 percent of lawyers have a good name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are above average.

6. He who laughs first thinks the fastest.

7. Anger is merely depression with enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but why would he want too?

9. Support bacteria. They're more cultured than some people I know.

10. A bad memory is the sign of a clear conscience.

11. Change is inevitable, except from Politicians and vending machines.

12. Try missing a couple of payments, then you’ll know who cares.

13. Raise my hand if you believe in psycho-kinesis?

14. OK, is the speed of light faster than speed of dark?

15. When you're in the wrong lane. Things keep coming at you.

16. Laziness pays off now. Hard work is for other people.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without Sponge Bob?

18. Weasels may be vermin, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. If you get scared half to death, twice, do you know?

20. How good is a psychic asking you for your name?

21. There is a younger person inside older persons
Wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- we would all fall off the world
If it didn’t suck.

23. Why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Because light travels faster than sound.